NYC Leth-R-G

There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant.

 – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well folks, I don’t have much for you this week.  On paper, I was actually quite mobile; I went to Atlanta -and back- exchanged deep thoughts over pierogis in Brooklyn, partook in stupidfun karaoke in Queens in lieu of doing the singlelady sulk on V-Day, lost and found my phone, applied to Burning Man (fingers crossed!), finalized a logo for an as yet inexistent product, passed a fantastic evening singing along at a piano bar in Manhattan, and oh yeah, worked 2 jobs.  I’m leaving for Iceland tomorrow.  This is all well and good, but I have a nagging feeling I’m not really pushing myself enough.  Don’t laugh!  I become immediately suspicious of anything too easy, and this all too often includes having fun over an extended period of time.  Upon reflection, it is possible I undervalue unambiguously positive experiences.

Should work feel like work?  What if you are in fact working, but having fun in addition to that -focusing on the latter and taking in stride all the unpleasantness bound to pop up along the way, work or otherwise?  I know an absolutely miserable man.  Nothing is good enough, everything is a personal insult, he feels constantly victimized.  Now, his life is not great, objectively speaking.  But I can’t help but feel like the negative reactions portion (as opposed to the actual negative situations in his life) is something he incubates, cultivates, and circulates.  And I feel absolutely powerless to turn that terrible cycle around, because anytime I’ve tried to offer advice or even engage in constructive conversation, I get sucked in.  He’s right:  life does seem awful and unfair and frustrating.  But lately when I step back, I find that I can make a conscious decision to take this very same information about the nature of life…and say to hell with it.  Equanimity is one of the most important skills you can develop if you are truly anti-misery.  So I’m working on it.  And my last year was terrible!  There are terrible things going on in my life as we speak- but do I have to have to internalize and let those things overpower my outlook, my actions, my ability to live a happier life?  Well, do I?  Says who, the guilt police?  Here’s a serious question for you: How valuable is self-delusion as a tool in the quest for happiness?  And likewise, how important is happiness if it comes at the cost of self-delusion?

At some point during the week, I realized I was in a bit of a monetary conundrum:  The airline had not paid me in a month due to some confusion over which bank account my direct deposit should be sent and I had about $83 remaining after rent came out.  But I just…didn’t care.  I mean, I took steps to iron it out, but I never freaked out, never made alternate plans just in case, spent zero energy bemoaning the situation, lost absolutely no sleep… I’m just sort of covered in this feeling that somehow, everything is going to work itself out one way or another, and I’m not really too bothered about which way that might be.  And things are good!  It’s magic!  Let’s see how far $83 and ‘magic’ can get me in Iceland for a week.  At least the Northern Lights are free?

Actually, I still haven’t packed or bought my ticket to Reykjavik tomorrow, as the funds STILL have not been cleared….guess I should get on that.

Maybe something is wrong with me?  Or maybe it is oh so right.