Gifting

“Pity may represent little more than the impersonal concern which prompts the mailing of a check, but true sympathy is the personal concern which demands the giving of one’s soul.”

-Martin Luther King Jr.

“Gifting:  Burning Man is devoted to acts of gift-giving.  The value of a gift is unconditional.  Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value.”

This one I don’t have a lot of beef with.  Burning Man operates in a gifting economy—nothing is for sale, not even for barter.  It’s also a finite economy because you can only give away what you brought in.  So from a distance, it’s more of a shuffle.  I received all sorts of awesome, kooky, glowing, thoughtful, handmade, and drinkable gifts throughout the week.  As an example of a totally commonplace moment:  riding my bike down a quieter road one day, I encountered a sunny topless woman standing in the street with a platter, flagging me down with her free hand, “Hey, pretty lady!  Want an avocado quesadilla?”  Well yes I do.

There were stands set up all over the Playa with every item you could think of—take something; leave something if you wish.  And there’s the rub!  Even though the idea is that gifting should be unconditional, expectations inherently arise.  Mostly, the expectation in “unconditional” gifting is that the person who has received the gift not only has a better day, but goes on to make the day better for someone else, too.  But what happens when that’s not the case?  What happens when you give a mouse a cookie, and he asks for a glass of milk?  I say…

Give it to him!

Just as not everything rewarding is important (reality tv), not everything important is rewarding.  Part of what makes gift giving important is the risk.  You risk that it will not be reciprocated, that it will not be paid forward.  But you do it anyway. Paying it forward is not a waste of time, even if you risked to seemingly no end.  I believe whole-heartedly in the importance of such acts of kindness, if only to remind other people that they can occur.  In fact, I believe they are worth it even if no one’s paying attention—for integrity’s sake.  And it is not, in the end, so much to ask.  Gifting doesn’t have to be something you purchased—all the better if it isn’t.  Time is a hot commodity these days, and not to get too hippy-dippy about it, but so is kindness.  Even a small gesture could make someone’s day better.  And since days are what lives are made of, it matters.

However, as much as I want to hug you right now and as lovely as a gifting economy sounds, it is highly unrealistic in pretty much any setting outside of short periods of time and finite resources.  And this is because gifting runs in direct opposition to our more fundamental characteristic of selfishness.  I’m not knocking it, I’m just sayin.  Please understand, I don’t take the word “selfish” to be a bad thing here.  I mean only something that serves the self foremost. I often spot ways in which my more—let’s call them animalistic—concerns conflict with my more—let’s call them humanistic—(I know I am misusing terms here, sor-RY) rationale.  My animalistic side is set up to get whatever I can for myself, competitors be damned.  My humanistic side values things like harmony and the benefits of playing with a team.  Here’s how I resolve this one:

You belong to a community, probably several, deal with it.  Societies were formed and continue to exist because ultimately being a part of a group is good for the individual.  There are any number of ways for an individual to be selfish in a given situation—and basic human nature will push the individual to do just that.  However, if you’re using your higher cognitive functions that also come with the territory of being human, you can be thoughtfully selfish.  You can act selfishly with others in mind, thus making your community a better place for you.  Your gift could be as simple as smiling at more people at work, promoting a happier, lighter office environment.  Bring donuts, say thank you, quit talking so much smack.  As my boss would say: “You know- simple shit!”

I don’t believe people are innately community-minded.  I believe that being good to others is a secondary instinct that has to be cultivated.  I think that doing right by others should/does start with a selfish desire, then progresses to sympathy (when you identify the selfishness in your humanity with the selfishness of someone else’s), peaks in understanding (what’s good for them can be good for you) and then continues on to serve those initial selfish impulses. And I believe this kind of selfishness is well worth it.  I believe you will live a better life for it.  And so will others.  This is winning.

This weekend, playa-mate Sally and I went to a post-Burn dance party in Manhattan.  On our way out the door, I overheard a line of a conversation that kind of blew my mind.

“With gifts…it’s not about what’s given, it’s what you take away from it.”

Gifts can be a product of time, effort, money, forethought, spontaneous sentimentality, intention—only the giver truly knows which ingredients and how much…the true cost.  By the time a gift reaches the recipient, it is largely symbolic, even when that symbolism lies in its functionality.  The first part of receiving a gift is recognizing it as such, feeling thankful instead of entitled or immediately adding it to some kind of mental ledger.  Gifting is an exchange, it only exists as something that takes place between people.  Outside of this context, it’s not even a gift, it’s just another object or gesture, devoid of meaning.  What you take from it is everything.  This is the point where the urge to pay it forward hits you or it doesn’t.  So guess what?  It’s not just your duty to give like no one’s watching.  It’s your duty to actively receive and give thanks as well.