Cut it Out!

“There are never complete answers or rather if there is an answer it is to remind myself that there is uncertainty in everything…and that is good, because then I will discover something new.”  -Amy Tan

Well so much for this being a travel blog, eh?  Aside from Texas, I haven’t left New York since early MAY for China.  Is that right?  Holy crap, my planner confirms it.  It really doesn’t feel that way, does it?  Maybe that’s because I had so much planned that fell through for all the myriad reasons things fall through.  There’s a trip coming up though, don’t fret.  If all goes as planned (ha!), I’ll be posting next week’s blog from Ecuador.  Otherwise, this has largely turned into what?  Crowd sourced therapy sessions as I wind my through my insecurities, fears, crushed dreams and good advice I can spout but not internalize?  Weeeeeee!  I hope you’re enjoying it as much as I am!

So let’s talk about China again, sort of, why not.  Out for a run recently, I was struck by a two-part thought: it is never too early to question the very roots of who you are, and it is never too late to cut your losses.  I was not thinking about China at the time, but rather the truly regrettable tendency of ours to become less and less inclined to reflect on our motives and options as we get older.  I reject this.  Part one:

Older=wiser, right?  Stereotypically, people become more stuck in their ways as time wears on and they accumulate experience.  I see the value in this, but bear with me for a second.  Is that the same thing as wisdom?  How much deference should such life-assured people be given?  Now mind you, if I am anything, I am certainly someone who values life experience as an indispensable teacher, and I imbue such learning with an immense deal of importance in good faith that it will make me a wiser person.  And personally, I see the value in such wisdom as being better prepared for the next thing to come my way.  However, I don’t know that there exists a complete wisdom.  Or if there is, it must be problematic in a world where multiple philosophies guide multitudes of people through their lives at odds with one another.  So, perhaps a wise person is wise in one area, while the occasional ‘wise in all areas’ person comes along….and stands in contention to another ‘wise in all areas’ person who’s drawn different conclusions, but is no less correct.  Or perhaps instead wisdom is something that exists as a separate entity, not something carried by a person.  Wisdom is wisdom, a wise person is merely someone who recognizes it.

I tend to think that one of the greatest wisdoms is knowing that being wise changes nothing.  When I go into an existential tailspin  or indecision deadlock with myself, this usually shuts me up for a while.  At least a day or two.  Where was I going with this?  Question everything, find the wisdom in it and try to understand the wisdom found by others.  But most importantly, question yourself.  Question why you slept 6 hours instead of 7 last night.  Question why you liked that person’s post.  Question your political, religious, and social beliefs.  Question what it is that’s making you miserable and see your role in its inception and it’s resolution.  That’s a big one.  And do it often; don’t assume your current answers are the final ones.  It’s not so much about learning the truth about the world or other people, it’s about learning the truth in yourself.  A lot of times people, myself included, try to amass hoards of information, opinions, and behaviors and organize it into something we call a self—and we’re terrified to question it too early, before the work is “complete”, because striking a blow at the foundation could quickly collapse the entire structure.  Let it fall.  All the same pieces are still there, they’re just organized differently.

Second part:  it is never too late to cut your losses.  This is inherently related to the first part, as it deals with the same variety of fear.  If you are consistently questioning things, you are likely to find that some of them aren’t working for you.  Shake it off.  Move forward.  Walking away from something you’ve invested time, money, emotions, and whatever else into is incredibly hard, but it’s worth it if the cost outweighs the benefit.  This all relates to my trip to China because I have begrudgingly reached a point that I must label my infant business venture “failed”.  I’ve done the analysis on demand, and crunched the numbers that it would cost to continue, and have decided it is time to bow out.  It’s difficult, because I’m still excited about the product.  Not only that, but I think it’s one that could sell under different circumstances.  I believe that if I physically peddled the things to bike stores, there would be good reception and product demand, but it would take me away from my original intentions which had nothing to do with the product itself, but with the business model.  I have a very specific desire for a direct and largely autonomous online sales infrastructure, and this product is simply not conducive to that.  If I allow my focus to shift to the product, I lose the results I wanted in the first place and hand over a tremendous amount of time and energy to insure the success of something that is a fun idea, but not exactly changing the world for the better.  Weighed like that, it’s an unfortunate no-brainer.

There’s probably a fair amount of cost/benefit analysis and loss cutting I should be doing in my personal life, and this experience has been a good reminder of that.  Of course it’s much more difficult because being self-observant and objective at the same time is damn near impossible.  But in dealing with emotions or intentions, variables are not numeric, and their values tend to shift with a lot more fluidity.  So perhaps being completely objective would be a kind of nonsense way of dealing with them.  I think maintaining a clear focus on not just what you want, but why you want it is the best self-help tool in town.  Coming up with an honest answer is a mind-boggling task in itself, but a worthy one.

I hope.