Children in Bloom

“Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts and feelings about it.”-Eckhart Tolle

Last week was tough.  Monday marked six months since Dad died, and it was just one of those days I think it’s really too bad we keep track of time at all.  As humans, we set ourselves up in a lot of ways when we start concerning ourselves with measurement, attaching meaning to it.  Monday didn’t do anything wrong to me, I made it sad.  But I guess I can forgive us, how else are we supposed to make sense of things?  How else could we make things work at all if we couldn’t determine the weight of various components, couldn’t remember how much or when?  There would be no rockets.  There would be no cake.

Still…

I was recently in discussion with someone who attaches a great deal of meaning to cherry blossoms. For him, their brief annual bloom symbolizes specifically the fragility of life, how delicate and fleeting.  I think it’s a nice metaphor because even though it points to some very sad truths, it comes wrapped in a beautiful package so it creates a nice distraction from itself.  And me?  I attach a lot of weight to distractions.

The weather on Monday played right along with my mood.  It was chilly and rainy and to top it off, I had to drive to Jersey for work.  Gross.  I managed to get a few loose ends for my impending trip to China squared away, but ultimately it was a day for taking benedryl and going to sleep as soon as I could.  I’m fortunate to be self-observant enough so as to know when to put myself to bed when these days come around.  And I’ve seen enough ups and downs to feel comfortable telling myself that the current Monday funk will eventually disappear, Tuesday will be better.

Tuesday did not start out better.  I came about as close as I’ve ever come to walking out of work when my boss yelled at me for asking a question about how he wanted something done.  In the discussion we had following his apology, he insisted he had not yelled at all.  To me though, it felt a lot like I was being yelled at because it was so loudly critical and frustratingly inequitable to my good intentions.

Something I will say about my work as a mechanic:  it keeps me grounded (even though I’m working for an airline.  Maybe that’s why I’ve found the “Ground Support Equipment” department such a good fit).  There is a lot about my life right now that is awesome, and on some days, it could be very easy to get carried away with that and start thinking that I’m really something for having worked it all out to be this way.  And while this is a great, soaring feeling, it is not the whole truth about who I am or what I’m doing.  Social media especially makes it really easy for us to blow our own horns and like each others’ pictures and feel really good about ourselves if we learn to manipulate these platforms correctly.  But there is a life outside of our online profiles that we have to deal with, and in that world I can tell you, I am not as awesome as I’d like to be.  Lucky for me, I work with no less than 40 guys who are all willing and able to knock me back down a few notches and give me their (often unsolicited) opinion that I am doing it wrong, inept, crazy, and doomed for solitude.  As much as it pains me to receive this kind of judgement, I think its just as worthwhile to have witnesses for the amazing things I see myself accomplishing as well as the really mindless and stupid ones, because it is a more complete picture.  And that’s not just something other people deserve to know about life, it’s something that is important for me to remember.

After not going home early on Tuesday, I decided to visit the cherry blossoms in Central Park for a little reflection and distraction.  It was a gorgeous, sunny day and the place was packed.  One of these days, mark my words, I will live in a place where I have more earth to myself.  But for now, I have to climb trees in Central Park to be alone with nature.  In doing so, I found a bird’s nest, filled with seven blue robin’s eggs, surrounded by cherry blossoms in bloom.  One of the advantages to a park filled with people is that there is ice cream readily available.  I took advantage of that too.

Wednesday was a longer than usual work day at the airport that didn’t feel much like working.  I’ll accept those as they come.  It was another early bedtime.  Thursday I went back to the Chinese Consulate.  I’d already been twice the week before, foiled by inadequate paperwork to obtain my desired visa.  The last time in, they’d finally accepted my application, but I still didn’t know if they would grant me the one year multiple entry I requested.  Either way, I was running out of time.  I needed to leave Friday for Beijing if I wanted to be in Shanghai in time for the event that was the purpose of my trip.  I am pleased to announce that they did indeed grant me the visa I requested, so that was great news.  This trip will be very short, and I’ll be missing pretty much all of the touristy things I’d like to do, so the ability to return is an crucial one.  It’s going to be the year of the China.

I’d brought my bike into Manhattan because I had a lot of random stops for the day.  The Chinese consulate lies next to the Hudson River on the upper west side, so I decided to ride down the bike path that runs all the way around the Isle of Manhattan (as far as I know).  My next stop was in Brooklyn, but I still had a few hours and it was a beautiful day so why not?  I ended up going the length of the island, over the Brooklyn Bridge, and settling into a delicious little pub for lunch.  My big plans for the evening were to participate in my first sweat lodge, and I was excited.  I’ll save the experience itself for another post, I think, but suffice it to say: I found it enjoyable.

And Friday I left for China.  I still felt like there was more I could have done to prepare for the trip (as always), but I was as ready as I was going to be, so what I’d done would have to do.  This trip is different from my others.  I will not be doing any actual business here, but my focus is to launch a small business in the near future, and this is one of the steps in doing so, so I have to be on my A-game.  More accurately, I have to invent an A-game and try to sell it to others.  I am excited and terrified all at the same time.  Getting on the plane to Beijing with my business cards and business attire was a fantastic feeling.  Scoring business class didn’t hurt, either.

I wouldn’t normally chronicle my week day by day like this, but I wanted to really drive home the message that life to us mere mortals is not so static as we alternatingly desire and fear it to be.  We want the good things to last forever, the bad things to go away.  And somehow, we convince ourselves that we have the power to make it so, becoming frustrated when we soon discover that’s not the case.  Complicated by being subject to emotions and dogged by this persistent sense of self, life is a current state of flux.  Some days are crappy, some days are fantastic.  Some days are craptastic.  In reality, there is no inherent goodness or badness in anything save what we attach to it.  And even that is subjective, individualized, culturally defined, but otherwise empty of meaning.

Your attitude does play into it, but it would be naive to say that positivity alone will make life more bearable.  More important is to remain a passive observer.  Expect that things will get better, but expect that they will get worse too, because both are coming, and you have to be ready for that if you want any real sense of peace.  In the words of S.N. Goenka, remain equanimous.  I’m not advocating quitting here, obviously I believe that it is far better to challenge yourself and others and to go after the things you want.  But do so with the wisdom that there is no such thing as finalities and you will go further and with less stress.  If you’re doing really well right now then by all means, ride the wave, but know that a wave is a cycle and don’t be blindsided when you crash on the beach.  Likewise, if you’re having a bad day, don’t expect to find the small beauty in things all the time, but know that good things will come around to you again.  Remain vigilant not just of your surroundings, but your reaction to them.  Here one can call upon the timeless words of another guru, Mystikal:

Shake ya ass…but watch yourself.